#bedroom discourse does not exist in my mind because it seemed to clear

[catboydan]

sorry but they're not gonna convince me that's Phil's room. It's so empty and devoid of personality. It looks like a guest room to me.

Yep I agree! I think it’s just a guest room that he’s using because he can’t use the usual amazingphil space rn (presumably because of builder stuff)

[formenis]

Lesson

Anon asked: “ Can you do a scenario where L hasn't sleep in a while and it got to the point where even the Task Force is worried about him so Watari calls L's secret S/O and she comes barging into HQ and starts yelling at L that he is getting sleep or she is drugging him so he will sleep and L just follows behind her like a love-sick puppy“

A/N: please everyone, let’s give L so much love! Our best detective needs some rest sometimes.

And consider English is not my first language so I’m sorry about all the mistakes you’ll find. I’m trying to improve.

pairing: L x fem!reader

warning: nope

requested: yes

Y/A = your alias

Once Watari said: «L has no internal clockwork or any concept of time. After 102 hours of staying awake, he slept for almost 17 hours» and for him it was not enough.

If you think it's strange, well you don't know L. He goes to the toilette by himself with open doors and slightly changed sitting position. Since he likes clearness, he bathes frequently. But he never washes himself; he just sits in Watari's special "human washer" which includes drying functions.

L is rather picky with regards to clothing, there are always ten or so identical sets of clothes prepared for him. But he cannot put them on by himself…no, rather, he never feels like doing it (Watari has to say something like "banzai" to tell L to lift his arms). Most of the time, he is in his room, sitting motionlessly in that position.

But Y/N L/N knows it very well. She is L's girlfriend for a long time and she is used to L's particular (and almost non-existent) routine. That's her patience and kind personality that caught L's attention. It all started when Y/N went at the Wammy's House for a job interview. They were searching for a new teacher and Y/N satisfied all the prerequisites. During her probationary period all children fell in love with their new teacher, so patient and gentle even with the most spiteful kid.

When Roger Ruvie, the Wammy's House manager when Watari was not there, sent his observations about this new candidate, L agreed in hiring her. And when he met her in person he was hypnotised by her. The children were right, she was special: Y/N became the mother, the sister, the aunt and the friend those children didn’t have. This captured the attention and the interest of the greatest detective in the world.

It didn’t take long for both Y/N and L to fall for each other: the young teacher was attracted by his intellect and by his gaze, so deep and mysterious; on the other hand, L was mesmerized by her personality and by her smirk she had whenever she was right about something. But the thing that convinced L that Y/N was the right one for him was when she beat him at chess.

«Checkmate»  

At first, L didn’t pay attention to what she said but when he observed the chessboard he couldn’t hide his surprise. «Miss L/N…you won»  

«That's what I said»

But back to the present. Y/N was at the Wammy's House checking the homework of her little students when Roger entered her classroom.

«Miss L/N, there's a call for you»

«Ah yes, thank you Roger» Y/N answers at the phone placed on her desk. «Hello?»

«Miss L/N, it's Watari» the old and warm voice of Quillsh Wammy (as known as Watari) echoed through the receiver.

«Good afternoon Watari, I was correcting some homework. Do you need something?»

«It's about L»

.

.

.

Since the beginning of the Kira case, L moved to Japan. He changed hotel every week until Watari finished the new HQ and for the task-force was compulsory not to use any electronic devices when they were with him. This meant L couldn’t call his beloved Y/N that often and he started to miss her.

In order to solve as fast as he could the Kira case, he dived in the work for entire days and nights. Sugar cubes and coffee were his meals and he almost refused to sleep. He focused his mind and all his being to the case.

At first, the task-force wasn’t that concerned since they realised L had particular habits. But week after week, month after month, the situation got worse. His eyebags became darker and heavier, his skin became more white than his shirt and in general he looked really sickly.

«Uhm Ryuzaki? Did you sleep last night?» Soichiro Yagami asked him, there was worry on his face.

«When the Kira case will be solved I'll sleep» L replied rather tiredly despite his monotone voice didn’t express it. But Watari, who was with them serving ice-cream to everyone, noticed it immediately. He couldn’t bear such sight, he had to do something so he made a decision: if nobody could convince L to rest, then Miss Y/N L/N will.

.

.

.

«That's why I need you here, Miss L/N»

«He didn’t sleep for how much, Watari?! Are you serious?»

«Unfortunately yes. He dedicated every part of his being to the case. And by "every part" I mean literally every part of him»

«I can't believe it. I'm coming there, Watari»

«Very well, Miss L/N»

♰ TIME SKIP ♰

When Y/N arrives in Japan she was truly amazes by that country, so full of life, lights and culture. She can't believe it's the same country where Kira is killing. However, at the moment she can only think about L. She is so worried about him and about his well-being: he can be so odious and stubborn about his work that he would gladly renounce to his health if it meant to solve a case.

Y/N is boiling from rage, L went too far. If he falls ill how can he solve the case? Despite the anger she feels, she is excited too: it's been months since she saw or heard L. She misses him so much…but at the same time she wants to scold him.

«He is more hard-headed than the children at the Wammy's!» Y/N mutters at Watari, who is driving the car. With an excuse, he left the HQ to go at the airport to pick Y/N up and now they were coming back.

«Yes, I know.  It's the reason I called you…you are the only one who can convince Ryuzaki»

During the way towards the HQ, Watari informs her about the Kira case, the task-force and all L's suspects. At the same time Y/N warns him about all the new prodigies at the orphanage. The old man smiles kindly when he sees, through rear-view mirror, how Y/N's eyes shine when she started to talk about her students.

After an hour, the two of them arrives at this famous HQ: twenty-three floors aboveground and two floors belowground; Watari said there is a helipad on the roof of the building but the structure is designed so that the helipad and the two helicopters on it cannot be seen by those looking at the building from the exterior.

«Miss L/N, please use the back stairs. I deactivated the cameras so you can reach the monitoring room without being watched by Ryuzaki»

«Alright Watari, thanks»

Y/N did as instruct by him and takes the back stairs in order to reach the elevator. In her mind, Y/N is preparing the discourse to do at L: it doesn't matter if his colleagues are with him, he has to come to terms with her and starting to have a regular and healthy routine.

In the monitoring room nobody has any idea that the greatest detective's girlfriend is there in the same building as them. Actually they don’t know that L has a girlfriend either. So when the task-force see a young woman spread open the main door of the monitoring room they are quite shocked.

«Who is she?» Matsuda looked up from the papers in his hands. Shortly after that, all the other men looked up as well.

«L!»

That voice distracted L from his dossiers and through the reflection on his laptop he recognises Y/N. His lips become a thin line, a sudden rush of thoughts and emotions hits L at the same time. Why is she there? Something bad happened at the Wammy's House? Is it because he cuts ties with everyone during the investigations? Confusion, concern, worry, alarm…fear yet happiness, because he can see her after long time. L is overwhelmed.

«Everyone, please meet Miss Y/A, Ryuzaki's significant other» Watari introduces her at the task-force and each member gasped in shock.

«L! Watari told me you refused to eat properly, to sleep properly…to live properly!»

Ryuzaki spins his swivel chair towards her so Y/N has the chance to look better at him: hollow face, paler skin colour, dark and heavy eyebags. «Y/A, please, I'm not one of your student»

L is somehow relieved that Y/N was there because of him and not because something terrible happened to her or to the children at the orphanage. So he half-sighs in relief when she started to complain about is health.

«Well, you seem like one in this moment! I cannot bear seeing you like this, you know how much important health is for everyone. The lack of sleep or an unregulated diet will affect your mind and your efficiency will decrease! And how can you catch Kira if you're tired?»

Ah, how much L misses those cute "telling-offs". It is clearly Y/N's professional deformation: she worries about people and strangers as much as she does with the children at the Wammy's. So when she finishes her discourse, L couldn’t hide a wide smile.

«I guess you're right, Y/A» L pretended to be sorry but the truth is that he loves seeing that part of Y/N's personality.

«Of course I am! Now let's start from the sleeping part!» she walks closer to him and grabs the wrist. Then she drags him out of the monitoring room leading towards the bedroom. In L's eyes, admiration and love can be seen while Y/N continues with her discourse about a new healthy routine he has to start.

Right before entering the bedroom L stops and hugs Y/N from behind, his arms are around her chest now. «Y/N…you have no idea how much I missed you»

She smiles, removing her teacher mask for a moment, and looks at him. «I missed you too, cutie pie»

L rubs slightly his cheeks against hers in a cute act of affection. Having her in his arm is such a relief for him, L can sense a strong wave of tiredness on his shoulders. «Will you rest with me?»

«Of course~» Y/N caresses his dark hair, something she really misses doing. «I'll stay with you from now on»

[angeltriestoblog]

I figured out what I want to do with my life! And made a vision board!

It came to me in a flash, really. One minute, I was watching a handpainted narration of the life and death of one of the greatest painters of all time, and next thing you know, I've abandoned it completely and started furiously typing away at my laptop about what I envisioned myself to be in five years' time. And I know I've had my fair share of false alarms in life: I thought I had what it takes to be a lawyer after seeing Legally Blonde for the first time while on my way to a school field trip, and seriously considered pursuing a career as a fashion blogger or MTV VJ because I was kind of fed up with school.

But this one just makes sense. Advising and assisting clients in producing content, collaterals, and campaigns according to their business objectives and based on collected data! It marries my love for writing, my knack for snooping around (the academic term is research!), and the specialty in technology and management my university ensures I'll have at the end of my four-year degree. i have yet to see how it’ll allow me to give back to society since that’s also a factor I want to consider in looking for a dream job but I’ll make it work. I found it hard to sleep that night, thanks to this nerdy, giddy kind of adrenaline rush I had. I broke down this big idea into smaller and smaller action steps until all I had left was a refined list of ideas and intentions, and a splitting headache.

I needed to make sure I was constantly reminded of their existence so all my choices and decisions would serve as a step closer to reaching all of them. So I caved in to the wishes of the "law of attraction" side of the Internet, and created my very own vision board! Simply put, this act of visualization is a powerful technique that can be used to manifest desires and reach goals. Our subconscious minds mainly recognize symbols and images: by merely looking at our vision boards everyday, subliminal messages are being sent to our brains, which will encourage them to work tirelessly to achieve the statements we are feeding to them. I can't find any explanation for this that's less abstract but since many people seem to swear on it and I have a lot of free time and printer ink, I figured why not, right?

It was convenient that I had this small corkboard from Daiso already stuck to one corner of my bedroom wall with several layers of double-sided tape. It used to be a year-long calendar of birthdays but I realized that I've never referred to it and often have to rely on either Facebook reminders or stock knowledge--there is no in between. All I had to do was to look at my list of goals, and compile photos that correspond to each of them, cut them up and arrange them in an aesthetically pleasing manner. You'll see below that I lacked the stereotypical luxury car and beachfront mansion with a walk-in closet and that's because I decided to focus on my goals for the next five years so it looks even a little bit more achievable.  

Here's the finished product, along with explanations for each picture, to make this how-to more personal and to also hold myself accountable.

 Make my girl Jenna Rink and everybody at Poise proud by writing for a magazine | I had listed a specific one at the time, and if you follow me on Twitter and Instagram, you already know what it is and how this endeavor turned out - but on this blog, I'll shroud it in a little cloud of mystery for now and talk about it more in a future post. I'm very happy producing content for this space of mine and have no intention of stopping any time soon. But at the same time I know that I'd be missing out if I didn't take the chance to be part of a community that leads me to like-minded individuals, allows me to grow even more in my craft, and "gives creators a space to speak their minds and push the limits of their artistry, without imposing any restrictions or expectations", as I stated in my application form.

 Be active in three organizations next school year | (I had to blur one of them out because I'm not a member yet and I don't want to jinx it.) I know it's bold of me to assume that we'll be returning to school any time soon, but if we are ever lucky enough, I want to outdo myself when it comes to the orgs I'm a part of. I have been a good follower throughout my first two years of college but now I believe it's my time to try my hand at leading a group of people and being more involved in the conceptualization and execution of projects.

 Go on a trip to Europe | Not even just a specific group of countries anymore (I used to be a France, Italy, Spain supremacist)--I mean the entire continent! (But then again, with its rich history and culture, picturesque tourist spots, diverse cuisines... even the sheer adrenaline rush that comes with being in a land completely different from the one you come from, how could anyone not want to go?

 and 12. Get the job of my dreams | I actually nicked these photos from the website of a cooperative I want to work for once I graduate from college. I know that I can't plan out the rest of my career trajectory as early as now: things are bound to change at some point, but I hope that I stay in a field that combines creativity and business strategy to craft campaigns, create meaningful content, and market solutions to brands.

 Expand my network | I acknowledge how knowing people who know people who know people can open windows of opportunities that I wouldn't have been able to have anywhere else. But I also look forward to building genuine connections with people from all sorts of industries. Talking to the same circle of friends can sometimes feel like you're trapped in an echo chamber: there is certainly much to learn from others' viewpoints.

 Volunteer to teach kids | I don't think the written word could have changed my life as much as it did, had it not been for the presence of English teachers who believed in the power of the language to shape the minds of the youth. I guess this is just me trying to give back and help the next generation express their ideas and bring them to life by channeling my inner John Keating.

 Maintain a clean workspace that is conducive to productivity | Especially during these days, I spend a solid 18 out of 24 hours sat at my desk, trying my best to make magic happen. It's very important that I keep it a constant and active source of inspiration, free from any distractions, and at the right level of comfort. Although it's not as minimalist as I hoped it would be and my table is about an inch too high for my liking, I'm still pretty satisfied!

 Document memories consistently, be it through a physical or online journal | Speaking of clearing out my room, I recently found around 20 notebooks I had filled up over the years. Though maintaining them must have been such a hassle especially as I got older and reading through them was a distraction from completing the task at hand, I am thankful I painstakingly chronicled everything going on in my life and kept them in good condition. Seeing the goals I had set for myself all those years ago and how I achieved most of them without making a conscious effort has inspired me to do my older self a favor by putting in the work now so she can reap the rewards. (While I'm on this note, can anyone recommend a good app for journaling? I keep all my current entries in my Mac's Notes app because even though I am more of an analog person, I seemed to have lost the patience and persistence required to keep a physical journal. But at the same time, I'm scared of my laptop suddenly cr*shing and wiping out everything I had stored)

 Stay focused on my work always | I didn't know how to show this without having to spell it out in words so I Photoshopped my face onto the head of a woman working in a cafe because those who study in coffee shops along Katip always look like they're getting stuff done.

 Keep learning about the world even when I'm outside of the classroom | And this is not limited to frequenting the nearby museum, although that does sound like a great idea right now. This could also mean attending seminars, workshops, and talks, buying books and binge-watching documentaries or YouTube videos about a topic that I find interesting, engaging in discourse with someone (plus points if they have a different viewpoint!)

 Write my own book | Before I even found out that humans were destined to pick a career and work until they died, I already knew that I wanted to spend my days as a writer. Specifically, I wanted to see my name on the cover of a book: By Angel Martinez. (Please refer to the 4:32 of this video and look at how far this dream actually goes back.) But once I realized that I wanted to enter the world of business, I thought I would have to give this up altogether. Thankfully, I now know that one's ability to get published is not reliant on their career--I mean, even beauty gurus get book deals these days. I'm not really sure what it's going to be about but I'd honestly be down for anything: even if it's just a compilation of my best entries on this blog.

13. Go all out when I take myself on self-care dates | I'm talking about picnics at the beach, with a basket full of fruits, a posh looking hat, and a good piece of classic literature! Or fancy dinners for one complete with as many glasses of red wine as I can down! People watching at Downtown Disneyland like my paternal grandmother in hand, with a plastic bag of souvenirs on one hand and a cream cheese pretzel on the other! (The possibilities are endless and I'm already mapping most of them out.)

14. Be financially stable enough to re-enact that one scene in Pretty Woman where Vivian Ward struts down the streets of Beverly Hills in a chic white dress and black hat, an endless number of shopping bags in tow | The part where I humiliate a sales lady who snubbed me the day before because she didn't think I could afford what she was selling by saying, "You work on commission, right? That's right. Big mistake, big, huge." is entirely optional.

I also included some two inspirational sayings that were originally laptop wallpapers from The Everygirl. I feel like they perfectly sum up the attitude I want to have as I forge my own path and accomplish everything I have set out for myself. If I was somehow able to convince you that this activity serves as the perfect springboard for all your dreams and aspirations, here are a couple of tips that could hopefully help you make yours!

Be ready for some intense introspection | Though it may look like a simple arts and crafts activity at the surface, making an effective vision board simply cannot be achieved if you're not willing to do some much needed reflection and watch it balloon into a full-on existential crisis. Identify which areas of your life are most important to you and how you would like to see them evolve over a period of time.

Specificity is key | The trick is to make your goals as concrete as possible, then translate them into visual elements. I know some people who wanted to get into particular universities, who have Photoshopped their names onto acceptance letters and pinned those to their corkboards. As stupid as that may sound in retrospect, I reckon it's an elaborate way of claiming something that's right within your reach.

Design it any way you want | Don't feel pressured to make it look like it's worthy to be on someone else's Pinterest because that's exactly how you lose sight of why you're doing it in the first place. The only person your final output has to resonate with is you.

Don't get discouraged | Although a vision board can attract positive energy and manifest your intentions to the universe, one thing it isn't capable of doing is granting your wishes in an instant. Don't be upset if what you have cut out and stuck on has yet to happen: I truly believe in the saying that the more you look for something, the more it seems to avoid you. Instead, continue to work hard and focus on the progress that you have already made.

Have you made a vision board of your own already? How has it turned out, and how many of the things you had put up have come true? I know you may be a complete stranger from the other side of the world but I'd be happy to hear from you anyway! Wishing you love and light always, especially during trying times such as this. Wash your hands, pray for our frontliners, and check your privilege!

[yellingmetatron]

The Light in Heaven

So.

Well.

Something like two freaking years ago, or thereabout, I told @kissofmistletoe I was writing a little character study about Metatron and Baldr.  Various things took up my time, I had difficulty getting into a desired headspace, and this little character study never materialized-- until now.  It’s short and it’s not beta’d but I think that it does what I set out to do, and again, it’s been something like two years. So, to @kissofmistletoe: Sorry for the wait, and I hope it’s at least somewhat entertaining.  Hope other people enjoy it, too.

----

Metatron has always enjoyed watching people.  It’s a good thing, considering his purpose, and especially considering he has so many other inclinations that seem at odds with that purpose.  But life can’t be all torment, even for an archangel.

There’s something about perceiving a person, recognizing them as another self that Metatron finds… what’s best word?  Enrapturing, enthralling, intoxicating?  None of those words seem to speak very well of the person being enraptured, enthralled, or intoxicated.  All of them imply loss of control, and Metatron hates not being in control, especially when the matter is self-control.

Metatron often hates things he thinks he shouldn’t want.  Often, but not always.

Baldr wanders the wildlands of the Shamayim, Heaven, like a native.  The geography of Heaven is much like the geography of the Levant, but as it was before so many empires demanded their tithes of lumber for ships and incense.  Aromatic cedars stretch tall and wide all across the mountains, boughs covered in snow.  In the valleys between the mountains, ice-cold rivers run into the eternal sea of Heaven that stretches quite literally into infinity.  Baldr has told Metatron before that he was pleasantly surprised by Heaven.  He had feared it would be a dead, white place.  Metatron had managed not to be offended, at least not by Baldr.

How do humans keep getting things so wrong?

Metatron watches Baldr. The god had seen the sun rise over the mountains, and expressed a desire to take in the winter sun.  Metatron had told him of course he could, and he didn’t need to ask: He was an ambassador, not a prisoner.  Baldr mused there was overlap in those categories; after all, his presence must be accounted for, his movements verified.  Metatron had told him nobody expected him to sit in his room all day and only come out for political discourse.  That sort of treatment was reserved for Sheol, not Shamayim.  Baldr had smiled, but then said that of course the most responsible thing he could do as a guest was to seek the approval of his host before adventuring.  He had tilted his head in innocent inquisitiveness; wasn’t he Metatron’s charge, for the time being?

They had gone on like that for a while, a kind of verbal play-fight that ended with Baldr on his back—as it were.  The kind of deference shown by someone who knows they’re going to get exactly what they want, and who knows a little show of submission can be a balm.  Baldr, fuck him, had worked out long ago that Metatron liked it when people were mindful of his authority.  So few of his siblings were, nowadays, and the lower choirs were only frightened, most of the time.  One of the humans, some Italian or another, had once said that love and fear could hardly exist together, and that if you had to choose, fear was the safer bet. But fear is lonelier than love. It’s lonelier even than simple respect. Well, Baldr gives Metatron respect, and as for the other thing—

--that doesn’t bear thinking about right now.  Baldr fits the landscape too well.  He shouldn’t; for one thing, he’s not wearing a fucking shirt, and it’s only just above freezing.  If he were a human, this would be a clear sign of madness or masochism.  But the incongruity somehow melts away in the image as a whole: A lone, golden figure, ankle-deep in snow, meandering the mountains with no purpose but pleasure in the cold and quiet.  The winter light seems to flow over Baldr’s skin like anointing oil, tarrying over the angles of his body, reluctant to leave him. Metatron has seen deer walk through the snow, lean in the winter yet somehow serene, patient for the Spring. As Baldr stops, turning around to see how far he’s climbed, chest rising as he breathes in cold air and the scent of snow and cedars, Metatron knows Baldr doesn’t need to be patient for Spring: Warmth and life are already inside of him, and will be always.

It's so fucking infuriating.

The archangel may as well be a statue as he watches.  His arms are folded in across his own broad chest, and his wings, six in this form, are stock still, not a feather out of place.  His expression is difficult to read; it could pass for either melancholy or irritation depending on the beholder.  He feels neither-- not exactly.  There are two feelings that come to mind, neither of which translate well to English nor Aramaic nor Hebrew.

Saudade.

Hiraeth.

But neither of them fit perfectly.  Both imply longing, a quiet-leaning-to-unquiet desperation for something lost or missing.  The former implies an unconquerable expectation, and that’s accurate enough but not complete.  The latter implies time and place specifically (he remembers old mountains that once were taller, he remembers lavish tents and smoke that smelled of incense and burnt offerings).  But what do you call a longing that isn’t quite?  How to you express an incomplete yearning?  Because however much he misses the past, he doesn’t want it back.  However much there is of an old god left within him, he wants to be an angel more.

Metatron remembers the Old Days, when he and his siblings were young and terrible.  He had a chance to challenge Haddad for kingship, and he vehemently refused it.  Strictly speaking, not much is stopping him from issuing a challenge now.  He has a duty to the One-As-Three, but it could be fulfilled in many ways.  His angelic brethren would be horrified, of course, but he knows for certain that a number of his Canaanite siblings hold a quiet conviction that Metatron—Malakhael, some still call him-- would make a better king than Haddad.  Not enough to agitate for it while it’s clear Metatron doesn’t want the job, not enough to plead with him to reconsider his loyalties, but…

Oh fucking cactus-sodomizing shit, now Baldr is lying down in an actual fucking snowbank.  And he looks so fucking pleased about it.  He’s luxuriating in the winter sun like a snow-leopard, not caring about the cold but only the light.  That sounds like some kind of stupid inspirational quote mortals would plaster on their dorm bedroom walls.  Something corporate-sponsored snowboarders would quip with a vapid grin.

The light that shines off snow can blind men and animals.  There’s a fucking quote for you.  But it’s nothing to gods and angels, and Baldr himself shines more brightly than anything else around him and oh fucking Sheol why is Metatron thinking like this?

Baldr still hasn’t gotten up from the snowbank.  Metatron wonders if he’ll doze off like that.  It’s not as if frostbite or hypothermia are a problem, and he’s angled so he’d be getting sun pretty much for the rest of the day.  For a Prince and state dignitary, it really doesn’t take much to make Baldr content.  Maybe he won’t even feel the need to get up at sundown; these past few nights have been clear and cold as glass, the moon and stars shining down with rare intensity.  It’s because of Baldr, Metatron is sure; light celebrating its ultimate source.

Mortals sometimes have difficulty wrapping their heads around the fact that more than one divinity can be the ultimate source of anything, that two or more celestials can personify the same concept.  It doesn’t help that it’s hard to explain it in a way they can understand, some answer limited to four dimensions.  Metatron’s go-to answer is “What’s infinity plus infinity?” which has the benefit of being no answer at all.  It almost works, and sometimes almost is enough.  Most people manage to be quite content with almost.

Metatron and Baldr are both beings of truth and light.  They are more than that, they transcend that-- and they are not the same entity.  There is more to each of them.  And yet somewhere, deep in Metatron’s sephirah, there is something that makes no distinction between himself and the godling.  The phrase “kindred spirit” is used carelessly by mortals who don’t understand the depths of those words taken together— certain saints and poets being an exception.  The highest level of self-awareness most mortals attain is the ability to look in a mirror and know, That’s me.  Gods and angels don’t have the luxury of leaving things at that.  An archangel must be careful when looking into certain gods’ eyes, because in an instant they may recognize something even deeper than mere surface-self.  Two sets of eyes can lock, and suddenly the line between I and Thou becomes dangerously blurred.

And oh, we must be careful of that.  It’s such a sweet poison, like wine and mead.  Two selves lost to each other.  Quintessence seeing itself, shattering any illusion of division.  All light is light; all truth is truth.

It would be so easy to leave the illusion of a lone ego behind.

But what would one come back to, when one is no longer one?

Metatron discovers that unthinkingly, he has managed to turn away from Baldr and his light.  Now his expression is recognizably melancholic.  Letting a feeling besides anger make it all the way to his face is an indulgence, but he needs some kind of outlet, and anyone no-one’s around to see.  He walks back into his library proper from the loggia from which he had watched his guest.   It’s well-lit, lamps burning with the clean light of Heaven, and yet it seems undeniably dimmer.  As he walks down the porphyry-columned hall, past the cyclopean bookshelves, under dome and arch, Metatron feels lonely—but only briefly.

Pining, still? Comes Sandalphon’s voice in his mind. The question would be intolerable from anyone else, but this is his sister, so it makes him smile a little instead. She’s not here physically—so much work of her own to do—but they’re never really apart.

I will concede that I am, he replies.  He stops a moment, and suddenly the hall isn’t a hall, it’s a reading room—there are still porphyry columns, of course.  One has standards.  Though I couldn’t tell you for… what, exactly.  He reminds me of so many things, achoti.

Its been a long time since you’ve had much traffic with elohim outside of the family, Sandalphon notes. And then suddenly she is present physically, reclining on a sofa by the window, wings tucked neatly behind her. Metatron sits on a perpendicular sofa. Mediterranean seating arrangements used to be much easier for people with wings, and in Heaven there’s no need to discard useful fashions.

“Don’t see family having much to do with it,” Metatron says.  “As making much difference one way or another, I mean.  I get fucking moody when I have to talk to Haddad, too.”

“But not moody like this, achi.  You’re used to Haddad.  He doesn’t make you so… nostalgic.  Not the best word, I know, but it will do.”  She smiles, a little sadly.  “You’re so used to each other.  When you look at each other, you don’t think eloah or angel, you both think brother.”

“I have dealt with foreign elohim before,” Metatron says a little more impatiently than he intends—but of course Sandalphon knows his heart, and takes no offense.  “None of them… did this to me.  It’s like…” he sighs, running a hand through snow-white hair. “It’s not just that he’s an eloah.”

“It’s the kind of eloah he is,” Sandalphon says.  “I understand.  But I do think the intensity of your feelings is due to how novel all this is.  It’s been so long, achi.  So long since you’ve had anyone but me to be so close to.”

“I have my subordinates,” Metatron says wryly.  “And hey, who needs more fucking company than people who are all kind of terrified of you?”

They are silent together for a time.  The sun of the Shamayim sinks a little lower, and the shadows of the bookshelves move with it.  The moon is barely visible, a ghost against the blue.  Metatron at last breaks the silence.

“Am I worrying you, achoti?”

“Always, Metatron,” Sandaphon laughs, “I’m your sister, that’s my prerogative.  You’re much more fun to worry about than anything else.”  He smiles crookedly in return.

“I promise I won’t… withdraw from this,” he says, “Because I know that’s the big fucking worry.  I can handle having feelings, Sandalphon.  Just a little out of practice.”

They stand and embrace. Metatron realizes it’s been a few months since they last hugged.  He squeezes his sister tight, and when the separate she gently punches his shoulder.

“Just remember,” she tells him, “I won’t have anyone treating my twin worse than he deserves to be treated, and that includes you.  If you need to talk, about this eloah or anything else, come to me.  Everything’s easier together.”

And then she’s gone, but not really.  They’re never really apart.

Metatron smiles softly, and looks out the window.  He can see Baldr from here—really, he could see him from anywhere in his palace-library. The young god is wandering leisurely back towards palace, still fucking shirtless.  Really, that’s insufferable.  The dimming light is just as flattering.  And worst of all, his expression is one of perfect contentment.  He’s had a good day.  He’s thoroughly enjoyed his time here, in this place that Metatron rules.  He’s probably going to make irritatingly excellent conversation tonight, especially over wine.  Metatron’s going to have to deal with so much sass.

The angel’s hand goes to his chest thoughtlessly.  His sephirah feels warm.

He allows himself a brief, sweet awareness that it’s not so different from a flesh-and-blood heart.

[mailorderfictionalcharacter]

a list of semi coherent thoughts I’ve had about mcu wanda maximoff

0.5 this post is open to discourse. if u are unwilling to see viewpoints that are pro wanda or anti wanda this is not the post 4 u.

1. wanda runs off of very powerful emotions and that’s an a + character trait. her rage fueled grief and power is just fascinating to watch.

2. ew whitewashing why do you do this to me mcu. stop. enough.

3. yeah it’s kind of ridiculous to kill the ex-ceo of a weapons company that killed your parents as compared to whoever fired the missiles or whoever ordered said military action but it’s not that ridiculous if you apply the barest modicum of generous interpretation to it.

Tony Stark was emblematic of the very destructive American ideal of we’re great and right and coming with guns. Going off of IM2, even as he was doing great things (”I’ve successfully privatized world peace”) his performance was still very um American (”no one’s man enough to go [against me]”). Like as audience members we get it but I could see how that sort of look-at-me attitude would not ring like redemption to someone in that much emotional pain. Like, you could easily read their actions as being about attacking every American/foreign influence figure head, which is sort of supported by the fact that the twins wanted the avengers down not just Tony Stark.

If the weapons were illegally sold there’s no guarantee the twins knew that Tony wasn’t responsible. It’s possible Tony leaked the truth about Obadiah after the “I Am Iron Man” press conference, but the original plan was a SHIELD coverup.

I’m not inclined to conflate profiting of our wrongs or moral ambiguities on the same moral level as instigating wrongs, but it’s also up in the air whether or not Stark Industries cared about collateral damage in the design of their weapons and that’s something the twins could legitimately blame them for. IM1 canon is a mixed bag - we have intellicrops (concern for philanthropy) but we also have, y’know the Jericho (the weapon that levels mountains)

(read more under the cut)

tl;dr: wanda is a fascinating flawed character who suffers from writing problems but she’s also wearing the name of a jewish/romani woman even though marvel studios is too much of a coward to translate that to film & i’m perpetually bitter and indecisive about everything.

4. the twins had enormous social factors encouraging them to hate the avengers/america. even american media was questioning the avengers; shield had fell; people were putting up anti avengers graffiti

5. considering the twins spent their formative years in a country at war and lost their parents I’m assuming they went through quite a few economic hardships.

6. what sort of access did the twins have to media or education?

7. I’m not inclined to blame the twins for their desire to get revenge but it is worth noting that they seemed to have very little concern for collateral damage even though the only thing we as an audience knows for certain is that the whole reason they’re seeking revenge is because of collateral damage.

8. there’s a gap of 8-12 years between the death of their parents and their attack on the avengers. no matter what mitigating circumstances there were (and I think there were a lot) that’s a premeditated crime

9. there’s a lot of parallels between wanda maximoff and kira nerys except the writers on Star Trek: Deep Space Nine actually cared about Kira Nerys.

10. both of Wanda’s major fuck ups (willingly unleashing the Hulk on Johannesburg and failing to protect everyone in Lagos) happened in African countries. I believe in some suspension of belief for superhero movies but I’m not sure it’s entirely appropriate to be like hey! look at Wanda! the whitewashed character who fucks things up in African countries! such girl power! great anti-imperialism message!

(I mean, the same disregard applies to all the avengers though. I’m pretty sure the safest interpretation of Lagos is “the avengers could have done better by not fighting in proximity with a bunch of civilians” which is on Steve. And unless I fever dreamed this Steve tosses his cowl at the feet of anti-avengers graffiti in the beginning of aou and there is nothing appropriate about that).

11. Wanda was introduced in AOU, a movie with sub par dialogue and tbh I have a feeling Whedon et.al never thought through the implications of Johannesburg bc he just wanted a convenient way to introduce a hulkbuster fight.

12. tbh I really want a scarlet witch movie to fix all of this but I also really want a recast and I know I won’t get either (fanon wanda is the best because we can fix all of this with a hammer).

13. CA:CW seemed to draw on a lot of Wanda’s comic history (specifically in the oppression metaphors) but since it followed the clusterfuck that was AOU I can’t exactly give them a standing ovation for that.

14. ca:cw did a very bad job following through wanda’s plot threads from aou. tbh I’m not even team we need to stretch Wanda’s redemption arc further but idk, it might be nice if she mentioned her dead brother or tied the Lagos incident/Sokovia accords to, idk, her past living in a war zone.

15. ca:cw could’ve given me wanda wryly commenting on how luxurious the compound was compared to sokovia but instead it gave the should-be-jewish character a cross in her bedroom and fuck that marvel why don’t you just stake me through the heart so I don’t have to deal with your bullshit

16. I wish wanda in the airport scene was more about her desire to do good (go stop the supersoldiers) than the awkward oppression metaphor

17. although push come to shove I would’ve focused on poverty/american foreign intervention over calling the powers she volunteered for the source of her oppression the whole raft scene does demonstrate that people whose powers (or even training) cannot be separated like say Sam and the Falcon or Tony and the suits face a special criminal justice risk.

but this isn’t really relevant to the accords, which are not the SHRA and honestly the same ethical problem of how to incarcerate enhanced people exists whether or not someone is acting as a superhero (is it ethical to put a psychic murderer in solitary confinement if that’s the only way to prevent them from using their powers to escape or assault guards?)

18. according to beta canon/film subtext wanda & pietro did not willingly sign up to work with hydra. Just good to remember.

19. I will forever be attached to the idea of wanda liking Vision’s company because he is both practically invulnerable (not going to get shot 7 times on a floating city) and emotionally dependent on her support (just like Pietro). (this is not implying twincest btw)

20. I think wanda’s house arrest in ca:cw is not completely unreasonable (she’s probably awaiting investigation & is at risk of being hurt/hurting others from mob violence) but definitely steve (and probably natasha & sam) should be under house arrest as well. but they aren’t, and I think it’s fair to say that in universe that’s xenophobia/anti-immigrant sentiment. why be afraid of the american icon when you can be afraid of the poor sokovian woman?

21. antis make way too much of the whole “she’s just a kid line”. like steve was responding to tony calling her, a human being, a weapon of mass destruction. like, he was just trying to humanize her and calling the youngest person in a group a kid even when they’re an adult isn’t that strange.

22. in lagos wanda was trying so damn hard to stop that bomb and yes she didn’t manage it but blaming her instead of steve? uh gross.

23. how much experience does she have? yes tony stark throwing himself into superheroics worked out surprisingly well but superheroes need training

24. I insist marvel release a 22 page dissertation on wanda’s mind powers but also if I don’t like it I’ll call it not canon. (my initial theory was that she produces ptsd symptoms - even if the person normally doesn’t suffer from ptsd - but something in the confidence that she can manipulate tony before entering his mind makes me think she has slight suggestive abilities beyond fear and also thor’s vision arguably followed a different vein)

25. antis like to argue that the maximoffs only turned on ultron because it benefited them but let’s be clear the maximoffs fought ultron because they thought he was wrong and wanted to personally help. they could’ve just tipped off the avengers and left or left ultron to do whatever ultron was going to do and only fought him if he directly came after them okay the twins had options and they chose the most altruistic option.

26. ppl who say wanda isn’t really whitewashed because marvel’s decades of retcons have whitewashed her at past points are pretty much using a two-wrongs argumentative fallacy.